I very much feel like I'm out of control. Like if I don't do something now, it will just escalate and I'll end up being one of those people who are 300 pounds and other people just say, "How does one get to that point without realizing there's something wrong?" I used to be one of those people who would say something like that. I ended up at the doctor a few weeks ago for what I thought was a sinus infection (no big deal), but when he put me on the scale and I was 144 lbs....that's around 4 more than after I lost the initial baby weight after having Declan. I asked the doctor (a young, good-looking resident) what he thought of that weight and he said that he'd like to see me around 115 lbs. I was at 117 when I met John and I loved my body then. And even though he says he loves my body now, I just don't see how that can be. Unless it's because he's gained weight too, so he feels like he can't criticize me.
I can't stop eating, though. That's the problem. When I'm at work, I get these cravings and if I don't satisfy them, I can't think of anything else until I do. And lately I've been stopping at the convenience store to get Mike & Ike's before I get on the train to go home. Today I had a can of soup for lunch (good, only 200 calories), but then went to Specialties and got two of their huge cookies and ate until I physically felt sick and then threw the last half of one out. And so now I sit here, feeling completely ill and stuffed and fat. I can feel the physical fat on my stomach move when I walk. I don't know what it is I'm trying to feed, but it's not my body, because I'm rarely really hungry.
I've said that I'm going to start Weight Watchers, but I've been making excuses not to go. I have the money, I just need to make the commitment to go. And I feel like I need a sympathetic ear which I'd find at the meetings. 144 lbs. is just too much for someone who's only 5 feet tall. There's no way around that.
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