I wrote this on CL the other day:
"Unsent:
To Shawn: Thank you for teaching me what not to settle for. I promised myself after we parted that I’d never settle for less than I deserved, and that I’d never cover up the truths of the person I’m with to fit my own agenda. The woman you saw after I left wasn’t me being a bitch, it was simply me finding freedom from an oppressive relationship where I couldn’t be myself, where I didn’t even know myself. I’m happy that you’ve remarried and I can’t wish enough peace and happiness for you both. I hope you have kids – you’d be a fantastic father.
Michael ‘Dean’: You were a blessing, a dark angel, my first master. Thank you for brushing my hair away from my face before you kissed me for the first time. In a thousand eternities you couldn’t know how beautiful, how unstoppable that made me feel. You brought me out, let the flower open and rekindled in me a sexuality that I’d forgotten was there. With that came a power and confidence that I’d also let slip away. You marked me and I would’ve let you mark me further, had you asked. You owned me, and part of me will always be yours to command in fantasy. I still believe in the supernatural in you. You and I had the same soul for awhile, I believe that. I hope we meet again in another life.
Jason: Never have I seen a face so beautiful, skin so soft and warm, and a body that felt like home. I learned so much from you – you were the first to make me realize that I had worth of my own, independent of anything or anyone else. You were the first to open my mind to the thought that I might have issues with my mother instead of my father. When you left, I thought I’d die without you. You taught me to believe in myself, you were there when I didn’t. I wish I knew where you were…I think you’d be proud of who I’ve become. I’d like to think that my son looks quite a bit like ours would’ve. Blonde hair and blue eyes, and just beautiful. I miss you even today.
John, my husband, my best friend, my master and lover: We’re still working it out; we always will be. That’s the nature of us. Birthday’s a day apart, we see divinity in a tile on the street, we see God in trees and squirrels and books. We spell out love on the fridge, we know each others’ soul. I can no more leave you than separate my body from my own soul. Our son – my god, what a blessing. So unexpected, so necessary. Thank you for a multitude of things; for fighting for me…I want so much for us. The easy carelessness of our early love is gone, but not forgotten. We’re in a different place now, that’s all. I know your body – every inch, every curve and line, every bit of light and shadow. I fit into your arms like a love note in an envelope. You own me now, and forever you will own me. Your own Sleeping Beauty, I am, and I’d be nothing else. We have to be true to what we are, who we are together. Our blood and flesh became one and the same with the birth of our son. Teach me, cherish me, discipline me, tolerate me, love me. All this and so much more."
And got the sweetest response:
thank you for sharing such beautiful words and feelings in a public forum.
it is wonderful to read such deep & meaningful thoughts in a time that seems to be ruled by cynicism.
may you and your family be blessed in a thousand and one ways.
peace to you and may the flowers shower on your journey through life.
How wonderful, eh?
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